Spiritual Ministries Mind Spirit Body Vibrational Medicine Research, Healing and Education Center.
July 13, 2009
I Am Still In The Midst Of My Melt Down, Yet A Moving Through It Gingerly
Rev. Tonie C. Wallace Dream-Founder and Director
Jada Stone Associate Director-Contributing Writer
Dear All One Family:
I want to apologize for how my newsletter is flowing, yet realize that it is myself that should be apologized to by those that saw me as less than what I am...and thus took advantage of my giving all nature and then when finished with me, casted me away like yesterday's trash, unrecyled at that!
Too strong perhaps? Perhaps, perhaps not...Our Heavenly Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit will be the judge and juror, for I would never want that job to fall on anyone but Him, for even though I am surrounded by varying forms of Christianity voicing people, unconditional love, gratitude, respect for all of God's children rather red, orange, purple, green, yellow, black, brown, white...seems to be missing here.
To all that believe that I just woke up due to my adopted daughter's case, allow me to state, that I had awoken a long time ago and couldn't for the life of me understand why I just didn't move away and forget about trying to help a sleeping area, awaken...so in trying to analyze those decision making moments when I wanted to fly away from this area and never look back on those that always made me feel less than themselves...
I rationalized that my kids were here and my grandchildren and thus even though we all live separate lives...just them a knowing I was close if they ever really needed me somehow made the decision to stay rather than go, more comforting, for even though I did my job of raising my kids primarily without their dad's help...
I too took the blunt of his comments about my graded role by him as to what job I had done as a single parent as well; as not being enough, even though I as my adopted daughter had done, tried to keep father and children in each other's life, even when dad thought the social world of dating more entertaining than being with his needy children that were spoiled rotten lazy brats that were always a asking for this or for that...and a getting it.
Thus making it seem like I was too greedy with my hard earned money and didn't want to spend it on my children when in reality, I had learned a long long time ago, that when children are given too much...they don't appreciate what it is that they have right before their very face and instead of saying thank you, they either said nothing, or stated, is this all I get?
So trying to stay in the job of competing with the absent parent that only had to pay $50 a week for both his sons in the child support payments he sent me...and on top of all of the real bills...mortgage, lights, heat, food, clothing, insurance, car payment and such...I chose to not compete and just see how the cards all laid themselves out down the road.
I made this decision when I saw how my sons handled their over loaded toy box that was filled with the stuff that I bought them and not what their dad purchased for them...
For their dad hadn't stopped buying them things he just stopped sending them home with his sons when he heard that their step dad had taken their BB guns that he had bought them even though I asked their father not to...for I was fearful that they would try to shoot at each other as well as the other kids and cars in our neighborhood that they & I were a growing up in together, of which again, I was right...
They had been warned more times than not to treat the guns with respect, yet because it was their guns like their daddy had told them...I had no jurisdiction over how they were to use them for their daddy told them that...
So I understand fully well the dynamics of why my adopted daughter's oldest son would want to live with grandpa...for he is the golden child...just like his mother was and her brother were before him...and he will stay that golden child until he grows up and sees that grandpa is too controlling and too locked in yesterday's world of judgment and criticism of all others that didn't fit into the mode that his daddy/mommy told him and his siblings were proper and correct...
Just like in the scenario of what befall his own mom and uncle...he too if he isn't careful will be placed outside a looking in if he isn't careful...for that is part of what his grandpa used as a measuring stick as to rather to give more or give less to his children...when he couldn't control them any longer...he casted them out for that is what his extended family believed was the best thing for them to do, something like, if you can't abide by my decisions, "sink or swim baby!"
I don't believe that my adopted daughter's father realizes this about himself, for to him; his behavior is very dignified and proper according to the floor plan laid out by his parents. whose floor plan was laid out for them by their own parents...ahhh, the sometimes not so sweet circle of life...
For how my adopted daughter's father is a handling her oldest son, is how his own dad handled his youngest son...a stealing him a way, a making him believe that his mommy wasn't all that good of a woman...crazy and a liar...and not only did he cast that dark light over the character of the mommy to his children...those siblings that hide their eyes and ears under the pillow so as to not see how mean and cruel that their dad could be to their mother...didn't catch those moments that caused their mother to always try to convince them that she wasn't the trash that their sick father circulated/shown her and them about her...
Only one of the four children that my adopted daughter's grand mother birthed and attempted to raise almost alone...remembered what momma had gone through and was the only one that knew the depth of her daddy's manic depression...
She was the only one that didn't try to just pass it over and allow the moment to pass over unnoticed, for she was the one to take up for her mommy as she too, pulled a "my adopted daughter's youngest son number..."for she was her mommy's protector...and support even though it shouldn't have gone down that way, for in the process of being mommy's protector, she lost the valuable years that child's play should have been high lighted...free and uninhibited....instead of always on guard...and protection point.
I believe I am a writing all of this because of something that I heard the judge say about my adopted daughter's case...for she really didn't know the background dynamics of my adopted daughter's case...for while the buzzard team was a hovering over my adopted daughter unprotected by her support team in the court room, being none of us were asked in to it...the rather parental type of female judge was a trying to read the CME report that had been ordered by her on the suggestions of the DA and DSSI Investigative Committee, for it was supposed to have been the undeniable conclusions as to if and who did the dirty deed...
I heard her say somewhat kind of quizzical, something about the oldest son of my adopted daughter being set up quite well, car, own home, own child support money...and all at sixteen years of age...I personally don't think she was all that impressed perhaps just a wondering while his own daughter is mud to him and her oldest son, "the golden child," almost a creating her son to grow up before he even knows what grown up is...
So as I look around this rather humble rural type court room setting with only two other cases besides my adopted daughter were to be heard...and our judge a coming in to her court room session not at the 9:30 A.M. court starting session, yet perhaps around ten, or later...
Also in the court room as well, sat a young female child at the far end of the judge and court reporter's long desk...not a very formal looking traditional court room setting and not one I thought would have elicited my being told that if my cell phone went off one more time, I would be going to jail...yet it is what it is, you know...for it wasn't that I hadn't tried to turn it off, for I did in the court room when I remembered that it still was on, so as I fiddled with it, my adopted daughter who from having so many and so many different kinds...I handed it to her and told her to turn it off easier than I was an experiencing...of which she turned it on vibrate she thought...
This is kind of an ironic thing for me to have happen, for this was the only thing that I had ever asked her to do for me in all the sixteen plus years that I knew her...for I was always the one there for her, because nobody but her aunt and uncle besides myself were there for her when she fell or needed somebody outside of her family to reaffirm that she wasn't this low life creature that her dad held her out to be...so I had to see that plain jane court room doesn't always indicate patience or tolerance or understanding lives here...hello deputy Barney Fife!
Little did my adopted daughter know that her grandmother, her dad's mother, my adopted mother, was also a getting the same kind of treatment from me; for she was a woman stripped of her identity and true worth and labeled by a husband to her children as being the most vile and disgusting person on the planet and when her oldest son, my adopted daughter's father, returned several years after his father's passing...she could see that in his eyes that he believed his daddy who unbeknown st to any of them, was a very sick man that used alcohol, and women as a way to escape the harsh realities of a life he no longer could keep in proper perspective so in order to blame anyone but himself for his life time behavior of being depressed and unreasonable...the one that loved him the most, was the one that he pushed hardest away and called her the problem...
So in all those years of knowing my adopted mother and a picking up her desperate phone calls when she told anyone of her prejudiced against her children; she thought and imagined was real...so frightened that they would leave her side forever...because she was only a trying to tell them her side of the story, because she was convinced that deep down inside of them, they still believed she was the unfit mother that daddy told them she was...so for all those 16 plus years, she was a telling me things so that one day her children would know the truth and she would be set free of the blame, once and for all...
She even told me what name she wanted me to use to hide her identity...in all that I wrote about those times that the man that told her that he would be so mean to her that she would never get over loving him...never knowing that she never stopped trying to right the wrong he created in her life with her children, the only life's she ever wanted to hold close to her being their father, her moon stars and heaven had found the arms of others more inviting than her own, and the whiskey bottle to be his comforter in times of stress and increased depression.
What I could never get my adopted daughter's grandmother to see was how she was a copying the pattern of her manic depressive husband and a forcing her own granddaughter to have to walk the same stations of the cross a trying to right the wrongs that now she was a placing on her grand daughter's shoulders, while removing the strength, comfort and joy of her own grand daughter's father, and a forcing her to be strong in the energy of always a trying to prove herself fit enough, using a scale of fit/good enough never being able to be obtained...this circle of life thing is pretty interesting isn't it?
At times when it didn't drive me absolutely crazy! For remember, her youngest son, the one taken from mom because she was so awful and a deed done so under handed, that no one would believe that she couldn't read what the hidden agenda divorce papers stated...
Even though her husband and father of all of her 4 children, knew that she hadn't gotten past too many grades in grade school...and her reading skills were limited for all she did was work and be all that could be to her children, her world and life...for their daddy was always out a living his life without her or them...yet he made himself the hero and her the problem...when she really never really was...
When my adopted mother wanted me to explain some things about those days to her youngest son, for he just didn't seem to act that he wanted to hear anything that she had to say, so I was her voice to her son that refused she said to didn't want to hear about those times for dad had told him that she was a crazy person and a liar and ran around and did this and did that...when it was the other way around and it was dad who had really been the mixed up one and a blaming the wife for all of those things that caused him to be so unhappy about his world and life...for in the mirror of life that he looked at and called his wife's faults and flaws, it really was his own reflection that he was a seeing and didn't know it...for he was upside down and lost in a manic depressive world...a world that called good, bad and there was no compromising on the vision that he held, for he was the man in the family and he could do and think any which way he wanted...and it didn't matter what the mother and sole raiser of her children, being she had one of them absent fathers that was absent even though he was in the same room...
Read the book, "Absent Fathers, Lost Sons," for when you do you will see that even though fathers pick up their children every two weeks or such for the weekend...if that father has never learned the difference between speaking to versus at...he is still absent to them...for he never allows them to get close to his heart and the truth about what he is calling, "matters of the heart."
So little boys grow up a repeating this dysfunctional pattern to their own sons and because sons generally role model the closest male figure in their life, and their mother if one is never present, daughters grow up and marry men that seem to be just like their own father, even though the things and words that daddy used on her and her mother were found unacceptable and caused her more anguish than joy...
My mother called that the, "monkey see, monkey do" kind of stuff. Today we know it is called role model patterning...and that role model patterning goes on until one child called the "black sheep," jumps back and states;
"I love you, yet I don't love your ways enough to allow them to change me and the children that I am a raising in a way different than your own way of yesterday and what you were shown and thought the right way...I want to break that chain of shame attached to all women that your daddy told you was real and has plagued our family since your dad did what he did to my grandmother and nobody allowed her to give her side of the story and quite ironically, I am caught in that same backward mind set that the judicial system that is set up to protect my rights, are a doing to me as they were allowed to do to her, that forever changed her and making her always a trying to clear her name...
My Adopted Daughter's Thoughts On The Treatment She Has Received Thus Far Her Whole Life
"So if the biased system that was in place for my grandmother and appears to still be in place for me; a judgment call made on me/her with the statements and thoughts of others more qualified to speak about me/her and what they imagined to occurred, and opinions not facts are allowed to be entered into it, while my evidence and thoughts are kept out so that the thoughts/opinions of others having more importance than myself for what ever reason to support their case packed with lies that they hope would bring them the benefit they intent ed to have with their own "bearing of false witness" thus leaving me with more pain, slander, suffering and discomfort... if that system of judgment/justice with out allowing solid evidence that would clear me so that I could return to yesterday not totally destroyed from all the slander and exaggerated things that others are being allowed to be presented as facts...if it doesn't change...
One day my own daughter will be up in this kangaroo court room herself, a battling to be heard, and won't be, for that just doesn't happen in an area that believes that the male has more rights than the female...and an area that believes that people of color are nothing but liars, cheats and thieves...and only good enough to do the labors that nobody else wants to do and also do at cost much less than that of another with less energy, less caring and subject knowledge, yet are the right skin color...so they are the ones that own the planet and everything in it...even the justice system...
For my daughter already is being viewed by this just recent full time temporary father figure parent, as being an "habitual liar and a lying about everything"...yet I stated that she lies on occasion and that I know how to get the truth out of her...and wasn't permitted to and had my children removed from me for speaking that which I know to be true...so if this system that believes without proof that my daughter would best be served with a father that believes that all she does is lie about everything, how can he best raise her, especially with a step mother that is so racist and predjudice and makes no bones about her hatred of me that my daughter will grow up continually confused that only "white is right," when all know God loves each and everyone of us...for we are all special to Him, no matter what others believe...for this I know to be true for Our Bible tells us so."
Tonie's closing Thoughts On This Posting
My adopted daughter views after standing back and trying to figure out how that which her grandmother fought since her children's daddy's passing; the truth of what really happened and never was able to , for her children wanted to hear her not...
Of which my adopted daughter herself is being caught up in the same boat of lies and deception and solid evidence never being allowed to be put into explaining the action...and now my adopted daughter is worried that perhaps her fate and her grandmother's previous fate will fall down upon her daughter and then perhaps her own daughter's, daughter world...until it is stopped generational by those a realizing that the ways that they had always used that caused others pain and suffering unjustly, would also be like a curse in a family that never realized that what they were a doing was a causing their own future familar grief, by continuning the passed down through the family dysfunctions that produced their own malfunctions...
And so as not to take the blame for what went down...they put it on the visibly self family made culprit, bad person and never realizing that they were the ones that created the illusion of the one that was labeled the problem...perhaps as the grandmother of my adopted daughter did...she threw out at her grand daughter the one that she promised her mother before her death when she was eight years old that she would look after, protect, install proper morales in and treat as one of her very own...yet in the effort...put on her grand daughter all those things that was once put on herself, the supposedly acting on her grand daughter's best behalf...fill in mother role/grandmother.
This grandmother to her that wanted all to stop believing her to be this liar, unfit person, transferred those things that she was anxious to change and erase from the memory banks of her children who wanted her to just shut about it anyways...for that was yesterday and all they wanted to do was keep the memories of who their father was to their private selves...so in her haste to vindicate herself she drove her children off into the world of further silence...and her continued inability to clear her name...increased rather than decreased...
So perhaps my adopted mother wasn't all that ignorant as her children and family imagined...for she knew that her grand daughter was also my adopted daughter and she was my adopted mother to the dismay and confusion of some of her family members...and she made me promise to tell her kids the truth, being they didn't want to hear it from her...and she knew that I would stand in support of her grand daughter no matter what befalled me...
Simply because she knew that if I could stand in her face and tell her that she was wrong about her grand daughter's views she was a putting out to all that would listen to her...even if it cost me a having to battle not only with my on and off again long termed boyfriend of 8 rocky road years, her youngest son and one she called her miracle baby...that was stolen from her when he was about the age of 8 and hidden away from her with the help of her husband's sister that she stated even ironed him white shirts and helped him get dressed so that he would look good when he went into town a looking for the excitement that he no longer had at home...only because again, he was in an upside down world and the women he called the most exciting were the ones that only a blind and dumb man would find to be good women...
A man My Adopted Mother Described As
A father too pained in his mind to understand what he was a doing to the future family dynamics of their family of children that he played a role in creating...and a critical destructive dysfunction that would keep on a repeating itself...causing the same destruction generation after generation after generation...until one such as me...that had promised both my adopted daughter and my adopted mother that I would have their backs in support, no matter what and what I just recently discovered that my adopted daughter's defense that I am a defending, is also my adopted mother's defense as well, so I am a doing for them both, that which I have in all the sixteen plus years of knowing and loving and trying my darnest to understand them...tell and defend them to both against others that would try to find them less than what I know them both to be...
The rewards that I am receiving from this involved action that I believe took me to the melt down stage of all of that I was told to with hold within side myself...this feeling of never being enough or given the credit of all of my divine and earnest efforts...and more reinforcement of my lesser worth, instead...
So what the storm clouds of my adopted daughter struggle for truth to be heard and seen has given me is; the closure that I have been a looking for so that I can leave this area that says that the love of all isn't important...only the words, and acceptance of those that matter, does!
For over a year now, I thought with all of the declining business and inability to pay my bills, why was Our Father/Jesus and Holy Spirit a still keeping me here? And this past Tuesday I discovered that it was to make sure that my adopted daughter receives her American rights, no matter how many letters I have to write and not get answered...just a writing this stuff all down in my book, will allow all to know that racism still exsists in the land...and that court systems even though appointed by the courts, doesn't always mean that justice will be served properly...
So by standing up for my adopted daughter, I am also a standing up for my adopted mother, and it is now becoming quite clear to me, I believe that little turkey planned this way so that I wouldn't leave before the job I promised to do for her and the one that I promised to always do for my adopted daughter is completed...by helping free my adopted daughter by the binds of stigmata, politically incorrect behavior...prejudicm, lies, slander and doubt...I am also a setting free the grandmother...who for the better part of her last five or so remaining years of her life was known when ever I called her, "to be sitting in her corner," a waiting permission to speak...to anyone that cared enough to drop by...
A woman that told me repeatly down through the years of my knowing her, that so many times in her life when she went to different family gatherings that she noticed that when ever she wanted to speak on any thing of importance, she was told she spoke too much and she told me that one day, her children when she passes, will want to hear her voice and won't be able to, for then it will be too late...
I can still hear her voice in my head, along with my mom, dad, Dina, brother Gene...and all those that have gone ahead of me that I loved and cherished while on this earth plane...i am able to do this because while they lived I told them what I thought of them and I allowed them to tell me all that was inside their hearts and mind...all those unfinished and uncompleted things that gave them noncomfort in not achieving...
To me, these times spent with them, were the flowers that I gave them while they lived, so that when they passed, the flowers sent to the funeral home were for the family and not for the one that got theirs through our interacting moments spent together rather physically or just on the phone allowing them to speak when others that supposedly loved them more, chose to have them hold their silence while they lived...
Too many people seem to forget this...I guess it is just that manic depressive world that i am a finding is more common than not...at least it seems in the area of this state that I have been a residing in over almost twenty years now....do you reckon it could be something in the water that is causing such a grave breach of stupidity, narcissim, self centered thinking and greed a flowing more rampant than not?
Enough for now...I must take a break for I was up all night a writing all that was a keeping me locked down in this state that most that have a clue of what kind of civil liberties rights are being trampled here...and thrown under the rug and pretending didn't and isn't a happening...and all I got to say to the attorney of my adopted daughter that showed me quite straight and forth right that he isn't interested in my questions that I asked him in this one time only; of being allowed to present him with my questions about her my adopted daughter's case that doesn't make any sense at all... since him and his kangaroo court system started..
So when he told me that my adopted daughter's husband and herself would never be allowed to ever see each other again and I stated that without solid evidence and before her husband is able to be found innocent, of which he told me there isn't any such animal anymore in the land...for only guilty and acquitted exsist now...and acquitted means not innocent necessary, yet not guilty as well, just not enough evidence to prove you guilty...for with this another labeling I can see how one is caught between the in between state of justice with all free to judge you any which way they want... Michael Jackson comes solidly into mind again and in this kangaroo court land, I realize that what I am a believing and a saying...about our Constitutional Right of being innocent until proven guilty, is something that doesn't live anymore in America...
Also perhaps, these past words and guarantee of Our Constitution are politically incorrect to those of the "being white is right crowd," for they don't have to worry about losing their rights, for they aren't one of those undesirable ones types...
Just please understand that my adopted daughter and her grandmother, were of the population that deemed itself, the right ones...so right now, I would have to say people that you can call me hysterical and a making too much of all of this...and I am a saying to those voices that find me off again a playing in traffic...
I know that as I was a driving myself back home this past Tuesday, and as I sit here now, I know there is a God, and I know beyond any conceivable doubt that He is a watching over us all and a taking notes...when one wants to pay more attention to the notes that He is taking on others, understand one thing, perhaps you should be more concerned about the notes He is a taking on you...
For in that great judgment office of His when we are returned Home to Him, the only one that will be present for our defense with be ourself...we won't be able to call in any witnesses for Our Father isn't concerned about what others did to us, He only wants to know how we handled the moment situation that demanded attention given to another one of his children under fire and about to be harmed, did we run when they went under attack unjustly, or did we just close our hearts, ears and mind, pretending that it didn't concern them? or did we stand in support of them, knowing full well that, "what we do to others, we do to ourselves." Golden Rule Commandment
Have a Great Day!
Still lost a bit, yet the tunnel of light ahead is getting brighter all of the time...I don't know when I will be able to stop the flow of words too numerous and important to stop stating...from having been stuck too long in a heart that was a trying to understand her whole life, just why she couldn't fly very high before being forced to crash land...and taking all of the blame for the crash landing, instead of the credit for teaching herself and others how to fly to the stars...and beyond.
This personal and upfront case of mass injustice experience of my adopted daughter has shown me alot about myself that others of the "white is right," club vote, just wouldn't have ever seen in the same way and that is alright as well... for one definitely has to be there to know what I am a saying...for experience not words learned are ones best teaching tool...
Be Blessed
Love, Light and Peace
Tonie
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