Love Doesn't Live In The Land I Gave My All At For Twenty Years

Spiritual Ministries Mind Spirit Body Vibrational Medicine Research, Healing and Education Center.
July 25, 2009
"Matters Of The Heart, Up Front & Personal" Part One

Dear All One Family:

What you are being given in this newsletter posting, is what I am a wanting to present to save my adopted daughter, husband and children...I don't believe at all that this is a trial that is trying my adopted daughter and casting off her children or even punishing her husband for being a Mexican.

I believe it is a case of transference, where as when she sees my adopted daughter, her grand daughter, she is actually a seeing herself and the trial is necessary so that her kids can see her now, looking through the eyes of her grand daughter and discovering in her own backward illusionary world, that she was innocent, in case they weren't paying attention, and I am wondering had they allowed me to help them go through an intervention with her, would this case have ever came to be...just a throwing it all out there, to see what comes back. Part 2 to follow shortly...

Be Blessed All
Love, Light and Peace
Tonie

Introduction
July 23, 2009
Spiritual Ministries Mind Spirit Body Vibrational Medicine Research, Healing and Education Center.

Dear V.H. & Guardian Ad Liteum Attorney –Wadesboro

My Proclamation & Testimony for the Defense: “Love Doesn’t Live Here In The Land I Stayed At For Twenty Years

I am not one bit surprised that this case is a going down on my adopted daughter and her husband’s necks right now.

I actually had been given prior notification about it, perhaps two or three years ago, when I had to stop talking with my adopted mother. The reason that I had to go away from her was because she told me then about her plans of leaving this mess on her grand daughter as her death wish.

I once thought that I had talked her out of it, and tried endlessly then and other times before to show her how irrational her thinking process was progressing, for at no time did she have proof of those things that she labeled her grand daughter and I told her that I wouldn’t stand down and hold my peace no matter who threatens to beat my tail or take pot shots at me from the woods or sidelines…for as I know, this is a family that likes their business kept secret…at any cost, even if it meant that my adopted mother using the front line of perhaps, “you owe me, you never allowed me to speak up and tell my side of anything, and now I have been telling you for years that my grand daughter is an unfit mother and you all are unjust in the handling of this sexual abuse by the nasty Mexican being done to my precious great grand daughter, just like your handling of the abuse that took place between your father and myself and how you wouldn’t allow me to speak then and now when I have told you what I have been seeing with her and what she had told me was a happening and you all are going to refuse me this as well? For you all are as guilty as the mother of my great grand daughter, for allowing that dirty nasty Mexican to continue to abuse her. V.H., it took me awhile to remember why I

Guilt that has some bases, is always the hardest to walk away from, know what I mean? All knew that lots of times, like my own real biological mother did; told things that did come true, so for their mother that never understood, why the kids wanted to forget yesterday and not go there in conversation each and every time they visited her, wasn’t because they didn’t care, it was because they all wanted to forget what it was that they were taught for none of them, wanted that hell repeated to their own children and grand children to follow…basically, too shell shocked enough for having experienced the nightmare, thank you so much! For way too long and now the numbness has set in, and the eyes, ears and heart no longer wants to party in misery land…the land of no forgiveness or any surrender and releasing to God/Jesus and Holy Spirit; those things that by releasing them, she would become lighter and filled more with the Trinity’s energy of the Father/Christ & Holy Spirit that would help lead her more into the direction of understanding, compassion, forgiveness, surrender and peace that would her understand how important it was of a mission to extinguish the assault weapon baton of stupidity that her husband kept a blazing so brightly that many others could see for miles a way…actually for two generations to date…


I Remembered What I Tried Desperately To Forget
V.H., it took me awhile to remember why I stopped talking/taking my adopted mother’s phone calls…for it was a time that my own mother’s health was a rapidly declining and I was dealing with how in the world would I possibly be alright once she left this planet, for she was the only one that could comfort me when the world seemed to be giving me more abuse moments than not, she was the one that I ran to be held and rocked from the another moment in time that caused me sadness, pain or depression.

My mother was my rock, and that which I identified with…Daughter’s role model their mothers, or grandmas, or aunts, sometimes sisters…yet generally mothers, and the good, the bad and the indifference located within them…

My relationship with my mother, hadn’t always been that wonderful, it took the moment in time when I asked the question, that changed the entire scenario of what a momma’s and a dad’s love is supposed to be, when I asked that magical question one day that I heard from my mother’s too liquor filled and soaked brain cells, simply due to the fact that I had to go to school, to learn a trade so that I could raise my kids alone, and it was six months only in length, and also as well, go to work for them at their largest gas station part time, so that left me with not as much time that I needed to be a good full time parent…yet I rationed, six months, my kids are in good hands with my sister, she loves them and would lay down her life for them, just as I would…yet my mother had a problem with my being gone too much, even short term…

So she said those magical words one day, a day when I had been given too much on an already too much plate filled plate, “why don’t you give those boys to their dad, for he would make a better parent than you, for you are always gone these days…”

So hurt was I about those words to me already delicate condition for she had already told me that if a man runs around on you, it is your fault for not being all he wanted you to be in the moment-sex on command…Then I knew how it was that my dad gave her nine babies, and like he told me close to the end of his life, when he was reminiscing about those last few days before our mother departed for Home, and how she had messed her panties and how he had cleaned up her mess and found her highly resistant to him having to handle her in such a personal way…for like he told me, 57 years married to your mommy and I never ever saw her naked…

I know that for the first 26 years of my life and two sons in the mix, he never told her that he loved her, that he needed her, that he was proud of her, and or how grateful to God he was…and she didn’t say those things back to him as well, for he was the one a calling the shots to what words she could say to us kids, (since my first day of kindergarten and the lie was put forth that effected and impacted our whole life, for our mother’s voice and thoughts were withheld from us kids, when we needed it the most, in a strange land with strangers a acting and a treating us like we were animals and not desiring of the same air space as themselves, all based on a lie told to cover the doings of injustice simply because of who the person was, one of their own.) for he was the one with the English permissible only key, and had my father thought it necessary to hear those words given him, he should have given them to my mother to express…for he was the boss, yet he didn’t want anyone to know who it was that was calling all the shots, all of our beatings to get us under control, for the school said we weren’t in control and being our dad always took the stories of others over ours…for he liked her taking all of the blame for his failures…and him all of the credit for our family team work effort, that he saw as a table for one thing.….

My adopted mother tried to comfort me, after arousing my, another in time moment of; “not being enough,” moment as she told me things about my moon, star and heaven, that which she and he actually knew that I called her son.

So many times in the past, I would ask her, why wasn’t I ever enough for him, for you or your children?

She would try to pass it away from her children and put it off on her son, simply due to all those things that his women choices of yesterday had done to him and now he no longer wanted love, only a cow he could milk and you were it until your milk dried up and he went off to get another milker cow…never understanding that what she was a telling me, was a breaking my heart…then again, maybe she did and was only a trying to spare me the added hurt of knowing that the real reason we weren’t together, had little to do with not enough love…and actually it was more about, my moon stars and heaven, no longer wanting to be on the firing range of everybody’s racism and bigot thinking.

With the programmed wildly burning assault weapon torch of stupidity with proven venom to affect and effect many more generations of the family and its name and the name he wanted to put to it, that would somehow help him in succeeding in erasing the memory of, all of his life, and a family that smiles in your face and rips you a new configuration when your back is turned…thus harming other innocent by standers by having to sit and watch the fire works, that never seemed to ever die down…the fire works of hate, racism, bigotry, deceit, theft, lies, control, injustice, judgment and everybody a wanting to always pull him into the middle of it…and him always a telling everyone, leave me out of it, and all go to your own corners and figure it all out yourself…


So many times after listening to all the horror stories about the father of my moon, stars and heaven, and all the stories about her kids and the lives they were a living and how they began and where she felt this one or that one could have done a better job had they only allowed her inside again, instead of her oldest daughter that was given the job of being the mother to her once stolen miracle baby and his baby…and her angry being she had been held out of the inside since their dad had a crooked attorney put together a divorce agreement that put in attorney terms the part where their dad was to gain custody of her baby and miracle baby as she called my moon, stars and heaven…

My adopted mom called her son “miracle baby”, because when she was a carrying him, her kidneys started to fail and the doctor wanted her to abort her baby I believe in around the 6 or 7th month of pregnancy and the doctor told her that she could die before or after her baby’s birth if she didn’t do as he asked, now!

My adopted mom told me that she told her doctor, that there was no way this baby of hers would be killed…for if she allowed that to happen, then when she went Home to God, he would find her guilty of murder and the thought of having killed her baby, would also have killed her…

I would also have to concur with what she did and said, for I too am not one of those persons that believe children are here on accident…and I am so glad that she didn’t allow the doctors to tell her that which she knew not to be true, for to never had my moon stars and heaven to come here, even for the short span of time that he was, I would have missed out on a lot…I told her that the quietness in him, wasn’t due to his not being able to get over his first wife and the illness of depression that she could never shake loose or throw to God as she got into Jesus lap and allowed him to carry her until she could get stronger and walk on her own accord again, strong, freely and unafraid of all those things that used to frighten her and make her cry when she should have been celebrating the victory of finding my moon stars and heaven in her life.

I told my adopted mom, that the silence that she mistakenly called him not ever getting over the first wife and her unexpected death, just when he thought that she had finally shaken the darkness inside of her and was now able to see him, instead of her bastardly father who thought the gift that she held that was supposed to be her husband, he stole away from her…and now instead of her husband being in bed with her, she had instead, her father’s unwelcomed touches indicating concretely that he hated her, for like I felt when my father tried to awaken me into woman hood, and just from his unwelcomed touch and intent that I dodged like a bullet with God/Jesus and Holy Spirit’s assistance, I spent years taking that disgusting moment out of my head…and tried my hardest to give it all over to God/Jesus and Holy Spirit’s to transmute that moment in time, that would make me distrust all males in the safe handling of a daughter were I to have one, of which I didn’t and in a large way, I am better off for not having one, for if I knew that anybody came near my daughter and tried to do to her, what was attempted not once, yet a few times with the last time when I was nine months along in my pregnancy and my daddy tried to pull me into my parents bedroom, telling me he wanted to show me something…I pulled back away from him and told him, what do you hate me so much, that you would try to do this to me, knowing that I am pregnant and carrying your grand child, and married to the father of my baby?

Things I Said To My Father The Last Time He Made A Move To Rape Me, And Me Married With His First Grand Child, Ever…

Have you no shame? Do you not know that in Heaven, God/Jesus and Holy Spirit are observing the one that begged and pleaded with them to help me see you in a forgiving light, being your abusive alcohol drinking problem has almost totally destroyed your brain? And What Little Part Of Me Left Remaining Inside of Me That Still Wants To Love, Honor & Respect You and In Return Be Able To Love A Man & Trust Him Enough So That I Won’t Have To Worry, That My Man Is Doing The Same Thing To My Babies That You With Your Drunkenness Have Tried To Do To Me!

And now what little respect I have been able to gather since I was 13 years old and you wanted me to walk down the stealing and taking away from my mother that which belonged to her…daddy oh please daddy, stop the destruction and get yourself back to God, where you know you and your family belong…for unbeknownst to you because you are so drunk, that in the living room that is right near you and moms bedroom door that you tried to pull me through it, sits all four of your kids a watching television…or at least a pretending to.

Back to Point-Real Reason for My Moon, Stars and Heaven’s Inability to Speak
I believe that my moon, stars and heaven, my adopted mom’s miracle born son, real reason that he couldn’t communicate well with others, is because of the reason that his dad used on others, to steal him away…My adopted mother worked in the mills on the midnight shift, for times were hard, crops failed and she had a rough time a keeping her husband together with his advancing mental depression growing by leaps and bounds, for as he became more depressed, his drinking increased considerably…and that meant, not all that much work was he able to do, so she basically had to do what she could, for he was one of those guys, that didn’t like to share the money that they both brought in together…and most of the time, told her they didn’t have any, when he did and he knew and she knew it..

So by working the midnight shift, her older kids could watch her miracle baby for her so that she could work all night, come home in the morning, take my little moon stars and heaven and put him on the bed next to her and tell him, “sweet baby, please allow your mommy to sleep for just a few hours and if you sit on the bed and play with your truck and let your mommy sleep, I will tonight, buy you a new little car to play with tomorrow…okay?

My adopted mom told me, that when she would awaken from her troubled slumber, for she never quite hardened herself to those fear filled moments of being startled awake when he would awaken my babies from their slumber to bring them into my bedroom and turn on the lights and teach them how to despise the mommy, probably the best thing he ever had going and was so manic depressed from all the failures of perhaps not only his own life, yet maybe that of his father’s as well…

All those over startling moments contributed heavily to her chronic weakening heart from all the abuse that she was forced to swallow down all those 28 years she claimed him to be her moon stars and heaven, even when he was at his worst, she loved him still…

That is why, she understood the love that I had for her son, she had that love degree as well, and I think that was what we shared the most of, knowing how to fall stupid, when we don’t choose one, “equally yoked.” It makes a world of difference, you know?

We were both fixer uppers, and we sometimes laughed about those moments that got us in trouble for caring too much and helping all others, that God knows, is too much.

Oh well, maybe in the next life, I will discover moderation or maybe I will now grow breasts, finally, hoorah! Being I am not a man, and the saying I am now growing testicles, would definitely sound too butch yet that is more exact as to how I want to describe the moment.

Actually, this is how my adopted mother put in a sealed wrapper that which she saw down the road of her imaginings were I to drop anchor and help her grand daughter…first she said she would haunt me, I laughed and said; go on with your bad self, The God and Father that I serve and adore, isn’t going to let you touch one hair of my head for this is what He would want me to do.

For I told her that God knows I am trying to save my adopted daughter’s her loved ones lives here, and her own butt as well from hell’s fire, and throwing her own kids & all of their lines of children’s children under the bus as well! I told her that the ones that helped her do this as well will be cursed as well for another six generations, so that would mean another 7 generations cursed or would that mean , 12 generations, your 6 and their 6…I don’t know I told her how she could use what little she had to go on to form all of this…that there had to be lots more for my kids to do to me, to do this kind of stuff with so little evidence other than your own imaginings and the words of a child that she knew she had basically interrogated her to give up the answers she wanted, and what if, she did to you, what she saw your grand daughter, her mother do to you when ever she visited with her in the past.

I told her that my adopted daughter told her everything that she wanted to hear, just to stop the hammering away at her, for that is what has been her life since she lost her mommy, for she really never had anyone on her side, only me and her grandmother with and all of her dad’s family; put her on the outside.

You kept your grand daughter on the outside and blamed her for not a coming in…I am actually the fault for all of this mess a happening to your grand daughter and how I am involved is…I did what you asked, I told your grand daughter that you weren’t doing so well and that no matter how mean others are to you, you can get through this, all you have to do, is first forgive her baby, for she knew not what she did…ask God/Jesus and Holy Spirit to please forgive for she knew not what she did, and to forgive you in those moments that you wanted to say so much more, and didn’t say enough and followed her game of attack, and said too much about stuff that didn’t matter, so change was never found between the two of you…only more stuff that you ran to her dad and those that would listen to you about your grand daughter, and generally in the past, she would have an aunt or her dad a wanting to speak to her about what she had said to you to get you in such a ruckus and that if she didn’t care about you, she needed to leave you alone, for already her disobedience and her selfishness to her dad was a killing him…

I told my adopted daughter, your grand daughter mom, that you had been asking me to talk to her about at least bringing around her great grand children to see her before she passed, for if her grand daughter, the one that she promised her mother before she passed that she would take care of you, for that was her son’s wife’s greatest fear that were she to go Home before her children were grown, who would take care of them, and I told her that I would, and I did my best, yet now that my life is nearly over, I discover that my grand daughter never really loved me enough to understand that everything I ever did, I did for the love that I have for her and her children, so I told your grand daughter that you wanted your great grand children to at least know that you loved them and was always thinking about them…

I told my adopted mom that her grand daughter didn’t want to start going back around her grand mother for there was nothing she could say that she wasn’t told that she was lying about it, and everything and everybody that she has ever taken around her grand mother, they are this or they are that, and everything is an interrogation and dad already isn’t the happiest father right now, with my brother always a making him mad by telling him that he doesn’t own every second of his life, so she wasn’t sure that it was going to be a good thing a coming around you, yet she felt it wouldn’t hurt if she left her little girl with her grand mother for a short while being her little girl is so helpful around the house and this would give her little girl an opportunity to remember her great grandmother in a better way than she could.

I told my adopted mother that I was the cause of this whole mess and only because I talked my adopted daughter in trying to bridge the gap between the both of you, and now
I feel like you set her up, using me as the fall person again. I was so upset that I started crying, for my adopted daughter didn’t want to return to yesterday and all the pain and anguish, she had been given in the past before with her dad’s family.

I feel that I more or less, when I heard all the protests of my adopted daughter play itself over and over again in my head, and how I had taken so much time a trying to convince her that this was her grand mother’s request and how bad she would feel if she didn’t have closure on her grand mother and her relationship that perhaps she would spend her life time a judging grand mother by yesterday’s ghost voices, when perhaps were she to take another look, forgive her and ask her to forgive you as well, and maybe a new leaf would be turned between the two of them and when grand mother went Home to Heaven, she would be able to look her own mother in her eyes and tell her that she had done the best job she could with you, that you both had those moments that you really didn’t like one another that much, yet somehow you were able to patch work the differences and move on towards a new day together before she left.
So now here I am again, caught in the middle of you my adopted mom, and that of my adopted daughter and I am just going have to pull for my daughter, being you aren’t and I sent her into the trap, that you told me that you knew this time that you were a dying for sure and now I have to take a stand for what is right, and this time, you are not right in this one…for let’s take in consideration the evidence that you say that you know 150% proves that your great grand daughter is being molested by her step daddy, “that damn nasty Mexican.”

1. About a year ago a speck of blood was found in your great grand daughter’s panties, by your grand daughter’s dad, your son’s live in girlfriend then…she calls you to tell you of the incident, and you in turn call your grand daughter and tell her that you knew that her damn nasty Mexican was a raping her great grand daughter…and either check it out or you were turning her into social services…

Your grand daughter did exactly what you asked, not because of your threats because she had been threatened by you and her dad, ever since her mommy died and left her here with all the people in her world, except her mom’s sister; that never stopped showing her that she loved her.

My adopted daughter, your grand daughter told me that she did it, for she wanted to know what happened because she too had been raped as a child and when she told her dad who what and when the first rape occurred , he told her that she was a liar…so the next two rapes, went unexpressed…

So I told my adopted mom, that my adopted daughter, her grand daughter had the same kind of disgust for rapists that I have and she has, and that inside of her, lives the momma bear and the daddy bear joined energy, that were on stand by to attack anyone or anything that would dare harm her little girl or her sons, for it had taken many years for her to get over the memory of those times that others thought so little of her to do what they did to her, and then when she told her dad about it, and got told she was a liar and more or less to blame for the event, there was no way in hell, that any s.o.b., were going to harm her children, just because she loved them, for her children’s safety & protection came first!

So even though your grand daughter I told her, “didn’t like the doctors a poking and examining her daughter down there, she did it, because she wanted to know if there were any possibilities that rape or molestation had taken place, even though her daughter told her that she had earlier in the day, fell on the bar of her little brother’s bicycle when she wreaked on it and hurt her self down there.”

So when the doctor told her that it was just a small tare in her cherry, the small thin membrane that gets taken out totally the first time penetration of anything, one of her mommy’s tampons or a penis or a toy jammed up there during sexual exploration which studies have shown that even infants have been discovered self masturbating, as young as 16 months old…and with all the sexual explicit behavior that can been seen in day time soap operas, not to mention HBO movies with a PG rating…

So a small tare in her great grand daughter’s, cherry, not vaginal opening is in her estimation, conclusive proof that her great grand daughter was raped by the nasty Mexican and she didn’t buy the doctor’s findings?

Then I asked her what did social services discover in their investigation about the charge that my adopted daughter’s husband had touched his step daughter’s breast? She told me that when they asked her great grand daughter what had happened, she told them that she had lied and the reason she lied to me, was because she like my grand mother, didn’t like her mommy a working so much and she felt that if she told this lie that maybe her mommy wouldn’t work so much and would stay at home with her and her brother, who missed her that much to lie.


So I told my adopted mother, with no evidence at all in which to bring this death wish of yours off, what are you going to present in order to get this terrible injustice done?

For it wouldn’t be legal for one, for I believe we still have “due process of law,” required and all that I see that you have in order to just randomly take your grand daughter’s only real love and children away from her is your assumptions and assumptions aren’t supposed to be admissible in our court system and my adopted mother told me that she knew somebody in social services that would help her, help her children, for she knew all those things that my children’s father had done to me, stealing my baby and all and making me into the blame, when he was the one that created all of the mess we experienced in our family, so she would help me.

I told my adopted mother that there can’t be any kind of that behind the justice viewing eyes system, for proof is proof, and that “one is innocent before proven guilty,” and no one, and I mean no one who believes that their name is written in The Book of Life, they believe such as herself believes, that in my estimation, it could possibly remain there for we are not to judge others, for that is God’s job…for remember; “vengeance is mine saith the Lord My God,” and I told her that I couldn’t believe that she would be a associating with someone that didn’t understand the full impact of , the commandment about, “not bearing false witness,” and she told me, oh I was told that the court system has made it easier for these child rapists to go away forever…and never see their families again…so I told her then, so all of these was to get the ‘damn nasty Mexican away from her grand daughter, once and for all?

My adopted mom told me that she was 150% still sure that the “damn nasty Mexican had raped her grand daughter and yes, getting the “damn nasty Mexican,” out of her grand daughter’s life, would make everybody’s life better, for we all told my grand daughter to leave the colored people and damn Mexicans alone…and here she was not only a marrying him against everybody’s wishes and a wanting to embarrass our entire family by a wanting to bring him around so that all could be reminded about just how disobedient and rebellious she still is…and besides, I don’t want her to kill her daddy with all the pain and embarrassment of her being with someone he didn’t approve of and never wanted to even meet…for you know I got the blame for when my dad died…and all because he said I did something that I didn’t…

In between all the tears that my adopted mother brought to my eyes and the pain in my heart of knowing that my adopted daughter would perhaps never ever trust me again to tell her anything about anything, for I had been working with the devil to help her take everything that ever meant anything to her…I told my adopted mom that I still believe that some where down your family line, it will come back and show itself with another destructive patterning, for you know the contents of the Golden Rule, “do unto others, that which you would have done unto you,” and what the hell are you thinking!

I told her again, that the God I serve and who is My Master, my real Father, would never allow this to go down, and if for some unknown He misses this, simply due to too many other assault weapon batons of stupid passed on down to other children of His, life’s, and having to attend to them all and He somehow misses my adopted grand daughter and my prayers for assistance, and all the things that I write about what I know and see and heard in the time of walking on the outside of your family, a talking to only you and my adopted daughter, falls on deaf ears or isn’t admissible, even though I have been an Ordained Spiritualist Minister since 1994.

What I will do once the tears stop and I can see to drive, I will get my forever happy not, self home and I will give everything away that anyone gave me in this racist and bigoted justice perhaps never served up, land without love definite place.

I will load up a few personal things, my animals; I will shake the dust off my shoes, and never look back to this time and land that thought they had it over God and the slaughter of their own simply due to the guilt that a for years dying mother, placed on her children in order to prove that they were in essence a willing to give their lives to her by doing things that would surely insure that their eternal life with Our Father would now be on the line, yet unlike all others it seems that surround me in this land of too many years of waiting for God/Jesus and Holy Spirit to lead me away to a land where mean things aren’t done to people in the name of righteousness.


I told her that I just hope that it doesn’t kill me to watch the slaughter a going down…for right now, when I see that which she is planning, I am now wondering if all that my own mom saw in my adopted mother wasn’t after all true…And then my adopted mom stated, “now child I told you that your mother is jealous of me and doesn’t like me and never did.”

End of Part 1

Rev. Tonie C. Wallace Dream-Founder and Director