Spiritual Ministries Mind Spirit Body Vibrational Medicine Research, Healing and Education Center.
July 25, 2009
Trying To Awaken From The Long Sleep I Put Myself In To Escape The Pain Of Knowing The Truth
Dear All One Family:
I just want all to know that my taking on the storm of my adopted daughter hasn't come without pain or loss, for I discovered that no one knew all those things that I have written, and to make matters worse, my children as well, demanded that I throw my adopted daughter away for the case was making me crazy, and it was all her fault that I went into the space that I had.
My poor adopted daughter, she gets the blame for everything...then when I got a few of the many things locked inside of me and told them all that her case was a catalyst for change in a big way for me, for stepping into her case like I promised her the first day I met her and in her found that this one was nothing like all the rest, for this child had perhaps too much of her mother and maybe that was the real reason for her banishment from the tribe and maybe the reason why she was basically used as the whipping child, as an example what others would get were they not to confirm and obey...and this little creature of love, had a difficult time in the land without love or compassion...I don't know, we will see how all of this is handled...Peace out.
Be Blessed
Love, Light and Peace
Tonie
Spiritual Ministries Mind Spirit Body Vibrational Medicine Research, Healing and Education Center.
Part Two
July 25, 2009
When My Adopted Mom Told Me That My Real Mom-“Was Jealous of Her”
I told my adopted mother, “again mom, my mother has never had anything against you at all and it would really surprise me if she had this so called jealousy as you state, for I never gave her any reason to believe that I would love another more than I love her…and all my mother said about you was, “I believe that your boyfriend's mother is your largest problem, for I don’t believe she really loves you as much as she is telling you that she does, for the love you are not receiving back from the one you love, her son, is caused by all the disturbances she is bringing down on the family, with your name on it…and all because she does not want to lose again, the one that was taken based on lies, power and greed…like her life.”
My mother as I told my adopted mother, stated, “this woman loves you the best that she knows how to love, yet as you can tell, those that told her they loved her, also did not know what love is or is not…perhaps you are to show them what love is and is not, perhaps you might never succeed in doing that, for the man you love is a good man and no, he does not feel the same way as his misguided family, for in his world, he has to see everybody as being equal or he could not do his job.”
My mother, as I told my adopted mother, liked her son very much, she as well as my dad, could not understand his need to hang back of all of the racist crap you and his entire tribe of folks believed was the only way to be in God’s created land called Earth, for he knew that you and his brother and sisters were a carrying the torch of not all were equal and he knew it was a lie, yet to hold the peace that only comes from all agreeing that the things and belief of the assault weapon baton of stupid holder, are true and needed to be abided by, holding his silence and allowing them to believe he believed the same way as them, allowed him to easily not tune in to their “ways and means for the whole family,” discussions…for silence is not only golden to him, yet also was the best method to handle a family too down in an already upside down-down world.
So as I told my adopted mom, "my mother believed that her son had feelings for me, yet could never express them, for he did not want to disturb that which was already disturbed in his family." For The way my mother saw it, my moon stars and heaven, knew that we came from different sides of the train tracks that may never ever connect. For my real mother said to me this; "you will not believe this to be real until the day that the one who is in control, does something to you, that disturbed you to begin with and then your moon, stars and heaven, does the exact same thing, adding his support to her action…"
Then my adopted mom asked me angrily, “well did he do something like your mom said he would?” I told her, “yes, unfortunately he did.” She said, “When?” I told her that it happened at one of the get together’s that we had at her house.
She had just had knee surgery for the second time and was not able to get around very good and she was worried that her kitchen floor was too dirty, so I told her that I would mop it, for it would not take me long and she said that she did not have a mop and just to let it go, and I told her that I like mopping the floor on my hands and knees and she told me that no one is permitted to mop the floor on their hands and knees in her house, and I said, just watch me…for that is the only way that my mother wanted me to mop her floors, for then you can see the dirt left and in the corners...
So about ½ way through the floor mopping job, her oldest daughter came into the kitchen and kicked me in the seat of the pants as I was on my hands and knees a mopping, not hard enough to leave bruises on my tail, just firm enough to know that I had stepped outside of the place that they had all placed me and then she and my adopted mom laughed about it while she said, “now what did mom say not to do?”
Your son, reached out and kicked me as well, not as hard as the one mom you said, took your place as mom,” just enough to allow his sister to know he was a backing her up and me not, for he had never done anything like that to me in the past…I found it a strange moment and I had my own mother’s words racing through my head-act showing support to tribal leader…and perhaps he never knew why from that moment forward, our days remaining together were numbered, and not by his own calendar of events…for that kick he gave showing his sister support, bruised not only my heart, yet went as deep as my soul…
Having said that to my adopted mom and knowing that I could not go on a being used by her to do bad things to one of her own and the one that I promised I would never drop kick her to the curb, like her dad’s entire family had done…I asked my adopted mother this most important question.
“Mom all these years of living without your son in my life, all these years you told me to hang on, for there would come a time when he would perhaps awaken and see me for what I mean to him, and as you told me all these years how he still was not with the right one for he treated his new girlfriend, the same way that he had treated me and how he is still saying he will never marry again…and I feel like you just kept me a hanging on, never believing, “that by my tying up the cow he was a milking for free after eight years,” as you took pleasure in calling me that…I just want to know before I go away from you, did you really tell him that I was the one that you felt was the best choice that ever came his way?
My adopted mother told me, “Yes, several times down through the years.” “I also told him that I would never allow myself to feel as close to any of the rest the girls he would ever bring around me again and that I would never allow them to know that, yet I will never allow them inside of my heart like I have you, for if you go away like you say you must to be free of yesterday, I will try and understand, yet know that by losing you in my life, I have lost a lot…and if I die soon, it is all because of you and that I would definitely be a telling all those to come after you in my son's life that you are my adopted daughter because I was going to have you in the family, one way or the other, for there has never been anyone in my son’s entire life that has ever treated me with so much love, devotion and respect.”
My adopted mother even told me that not only did she make a tape that he would receive after her death a reconfirming that which she had already told him years prior, plus she made one for all of her kids, including me and did I want to hear it before I broke communication with her over my adopted daughter- her grand daughter?
…I told her that I had heard it the last time she had called and that I wasn’t going to go over to her place and pick it up, I would just wait to see how long it took her son/family to even mention that it was left for me to have after she passed.
Dealing With The AfterMath, I Hoped Was Not Going To Follow
I was absolutely horrified and so disillusioned in discovering how she had played me for such a fool in order to break/destroy her grand daughter from the grave, for if that was not her intention, than how is it she had no evidence in which to throw anything out so ridiculous as what she was a trying to do, and was not she in essence, a completing a forever written in the family history book, character murder of her grand daughter, the stealing away of her children-great grand children, my adopted mothers great grand children, and the reinforcement of racism, & bigotry by alleging facts, when there were no facts, only assumptions/illusionary imagines that she was a carrying from perhaps her own history of character assassination from her own kids dad, and one that they wouldn’t allow her to clear her name and return her mother is good status back to her?
I Then Asked My Adopted Mom, Will This Be A Vengeance Is Mine Moment For Her When It All Falls Down On Her Grand Daughter?
My adopted mother said that even though her kids would not let her talk about anything about their dad because they believed him, yet knew what the rotten things he had given and done to her, and how only one of her kids ever told her that she knew that what her mother had been through was real and that dad was not right in the head and was a very sick and depressed man, especially when he drank too much alcohol…yet because it was so painful for her youngest daughter to have to remember what life with dad and her mom was like; and that by talking about it, it made her remember all the pain and anguish of yesterday and it was something she had been trying her whole life time since, a trying to forget…something like, "misery likes company," not!
When I told her that her miracle baby, my moon stars and heaven, had basically told me the same thing, for all he remembers is the yelling, screaming and violence that resulted from the relationship that had ended and he felt that perhaps all members in the family along with him were happy when it ended; and thus bringing it all back forward, was too painful for them all and were his mom to realize that; that it was not that they believed dad, for my moon stars and heaven was the one, he told me; that asked her to leave because at his young age, he didn’t know if he could protect her anymore from his dad who seemed to be getting angrier and angrier, more and more every day…and might harm her the next time more seriously than in the past.
Promises Are Promises Are Promises
My adopted mother begged me to not intervene in this, for this was something she had to do in order to rest peaceful eternally...
I told her that when I make a promise that I would always be there for her grand daughter and accepted her in my life as my adopted daughter, I wasn’t just a mouthing those words, I meant that very thing and from listening to her and her aunts and her uncle and herself…the only thing I found that my adopted daughter had done wrong, was having a baby out of wed lock, and her refusal to have an abortion like her aunt demanded that she should have…at the age of 17.
Also because all her dad’s family she was told by her dad; had told her daddy what a selfish, ungrateful and using him for his money kind of daughter her grand daughter was to her dad, and so being the good son he withdrew the extras that my adopted daughter told him that she needed to fill in those times that her oldest son’s dad had; when he was between jobs and because her oldest son’s dad, didn’t want the responsibility of the "baby bull calf," that had been produced by the cow he was a freely milking, and showed his return not affection, by a wanting her to abort her/his son, along with her own dad’s family a wanting the same, so when, my adopted daughter didn’t comply to his wishes as well, he made her oldest son/his son, not a very high priority when it came to child support payments, and the frequency of her oldest son’s dad’s check a coming in regular not all that secure…
A Rock Between A Hard Place; Yes! That Where I Be Planted, A Sleeping In My Own Bed That I Had Made
That fact in combination with the missing in action of being a father person, called her youngest two kids daddy in seed donation only, a more or less a following the same type of behavior as the father of her oldest son…$24,000 in back child support payments. This figure should have hit everyone in the face with the truth as to why now, after almost ten years of not really a wanting to play the father role, due to what ever other reason he might have wanted to use, the fact of the matter is this: Any father that allows anyone else to stand between him and his young children, is not a man.
I told my adopted mother; V.H., this when she told me that she wanted her great grand daughter to be placed with her daddy. A place my adopted mother felt was where she needed to be…for according to her; her grand daughter was the worst kind of mother, she worked all of the time, her son my adopted daughter’s daddy was a having to spend all of his hard earned money on his daughter and her kids and he was a having to watch them a lot of the time so that she could work and make all the money that she did, so that she could give it to her damn nasty Mexican husband to send home to his family.
I asked my adopted mother when she told me that my adopted daughter’s daughter had confessed to having had her titty’s touched and squeezed by the step father, "just how did the subject even come up" and she told me that she asked her point blank, and when she told her the first time, "no, her step father hadn’t touched her or her brother," my adopted mother told me that she knew her great grand daughter was a lying, just like her mommy she was a becoming!"
"So she asked her again and again and again…till she got the truth!"
Dear V.H., in my non-attorney at law, knowledgeable justice- supposing- maintaining –viewing, in this masters level obtaining-training; certificate and one plague needed for proof of professionalism…field, called law:
I told my adopted mother that what she had extracted from her grand daughter’s child, her great grand daughter… (“the sins of the parents a falling down upon the children for six generations,”) supposed statement, which if not careful would be adding even more flame strength to the continuing assault weapon torch flame that was producing a even more luminance than what it had the last time the” torch of stupid” was given a dose of rocket fuel…as I looked down the road of this family future, a family that I still love and still loves me not, even now, a not too distant future of even more horrendous activities that will continue to drag the family down to even more dark and hideous ways as God serves out His “Vengeance is Mine Plan.”
I told my adopted mother that what she had done was extract information through interrogation techniques that she had, happened to her from her kids dad when he would fly into her bedroom in the wee hours of the morning a getting all of the kids out of bed, and a leading them into this sleeping mommy’s bedroom perhaps as she always imagined, a just leaving another’s bedroom and that bedroom being in her imagination based on the things that she saw go on around her and believing it all true, because no one told her different…any bedroom that he could stop at and visit freely…for he had a s.o.b at home, and more mouths than what he knew how to feed, especially when the crops failed and this or that stupid thing would happen at the most inconvenient time and thus the living in the darkness, where everything was everybody else’s fault; was a whole lot easier to face, than standing full face in the Light of God, and finding the positives out of the negatives presented to him and finding gratitude for all that had been given him, his wife and his kids.
…And understanding that in order to get a clear all sins and ugly choices, forgiven paid pass Home, he had to change the flow and intensity of the torch of stupid and by the time that it finally dawned on him, the need for having done so, so that the flame of stupid wouldn’t continue to burn, and thus destroy even more innocent gifts from God; children that were when first arrived sleeping angels and his job along with the mom were to make sure that they all knew how to find God again and the road map that He left us with the history, and protocol steps we needed to take, the lessons of others and why they were being called out as examples for change in those a reading those key and clue given words…”faith the size of a mustard seed and one could move mountains,” kind of a thing. Bible=B-Basic I-Instruction B-Before L-Leaving E-Earth
The Golden Rule, “do unto others that which you would have done unto you,” kind of thing.
He would also have to review the “Ten Commandments,”
1. Instead of calling alcohol and wild women his God, he would have to teach forgiveness to his children not by beating it into them, verbally or physically or emotionally…he would have to practice it by first forgiving himself, than the forgiving of all others can be begin, and then by demonstrating that forgiveness is now allowed to be opened in the family for the first time in probably five generations that I have been able to surmises…that one and simple change alone would have changed the direction of the family I am now viewing and a crying and a shaking/scratching my head/heart, soul and my praying with all my might- faith filled Christ and Holy Spirit over and waiting to see the miracles that were to come out of this dark night of one’s soul experience that my adopted daughter is in and one I can testify was caused by my adopted mother, whose mind and all the repressed and not allowed to be surfaced bad things done and said to her moments, and all those things that she saw in her grand daughter, were all those things that had been done to her…
2. I also believe that had my adopted mom’s husband/dad to her children not tricked the mom out of her baby as a way to prove her unfit…taking my adopted mom’s only reason to stay a living and a breathing…perhaps the cycle that has already crossed three generational lines…of trashing the momma, and always a making her out to be crazy or a liar, or ignorant, or a whore, or a poor choice maker, or the one known as my adopted daughter, the family public whipping, black sheep that wouldn’t concede and follow the plan laid out for them by the current tribal leader and thus are casted out due to the tribal leaders having made the decision that due to her actions, her punishment is: she is not worthy of anyone’s attention, support, or love and the free choice to marry anyone that they don’t personal approve of or chose for her and thus, absolutely not, are they to be able to relocate to any where they wanted to, not for love, and only for money.
So when my adopted daughter's grandfather near the end of his life, told his youngest daughter, "if I had it all to do all over again," I told my adopted mom, please don't take that he meant he would have done a better job in handling the honor and respect of the mother thing...for when one lives their whole life a seeing good and calling it bad, I just can't see him turning 360 degrees, although the Bible does state, "that all can change in a blink of an eye," and never say never...peace out.
It is therefore that I content that had my adopted mother’s husband and role modeling example to her children; had he followed our God given Commandment of not lying, stealing or bearing false testimony, and had he only once demonstrated the Commandment of “Honor thy father and thy mother and thy days would be many here on earth,” by showing honor and respect to his kids momma; perhaps the lack of respect for the mother wouldn’t have returned, the stealing of my adopted daughter’s children, three generations down from the one that caused this large karmic return…
That what is right before the family and on everyone’s table here, even those pretending it isn’t a happening and is, simply due to my taking it from underneath the rug it was hidden and they thought buried forever, (contacts with my adopted mother) and now the visible proof of the father/husband lack of standing up and confessing his part in the whole of things, and changing the destructive path that he had lead his family-personally towards; wouldn’t be so apparent that he hadn’t changed a bit of any of those stupid programs in his own family’s stupid baton passed to the oldest in charge and sent on down the road, creating even more generations of destructive repatterning. Or like my adopted mother always said; "hard heads make soft asses that results from all the falls they have taken, when they didn't have to, for all they had to do was listen, speak ass!"
That kept fortifying and strengthening the premise that all women are liars, cheats, stealers of the male things,whores, unfit and that women only do something for you; because they are a wanting to buy your love, as if the love that they were keeping to themselves; was all that warm and full and fuzzy, and comforting and protective and worth all that they had been put through in order to capture that which they were accused of trying to buy the one that they loved, love…
I can think of so many stupid sayings right now to fit this pause moment of reflection of what this almost a year of mental retarded behavior I was committed to follow when I promised my adopted daughter that I would never leave her alone in the storm because everybody else but her only real relatives, her mom’s sister and her uncle, the man her aunt married, and myself were the only ones that she had to come to, for everybody else had shut the door to her, since she found herself pregnant and refused to have the abortion of her oldest and first child…
“Stupid is, as stupid does, can’t hate stupid, and one can’t possibly change stupid, unless stupid chooses to change themselves.”
End of Part 2
Rev. Tonie C. Wallace Dream-Founder and Director
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